As I sit on the couch, very still (and yet wrestling with God because I don't like my circumstances at all), watching the world continue on around me, I am keenly aware of the ways I had grown accustomed to measuring myself and my successes prior to being placed on bed rest. In fact, I'm painfully aware of them because they aren't happening now. Before last Friday, I measured the success of our day (and my management of our home and children) by the sum of our accomplishments. Did we start our homeschool studies by such-and-such a time? Did everyone do their chores cheerfully? Was the kitchen (somewhat) tidy when August walked in each evening? There was also a spiritual component to our day that was valuable to all of us as well - set times for family prayer and bible readings, treating one another with respect and care. But if I'm really honest, it's the sum of accomplishments at the end of the day that gave me peace. And that's a really, really hard realization to accept when my ability to accomplish anything at all is now limited to those things within arm's reach.
I've watched elderly people in my life struggle to find meaning due to their physical limitations and perceived inability to contribute tangibly to the "family team". Now I understand this struggle first-hand. I understand that, so often, we think the depth and value of our relationships is based on what we do for each other, rather than who we are for each other. I'm beginning to see that that's a lie. It just takes a while for truth to travel from my thick head and become firmly rooted in my heart.
I was reminded yesterday that I have plenty of time to pray and how that's no accident. I know those words are true. And I'm also convinced there's no more powerful use of my time but the human side of me still looks for something tangible to show for my efforts - a neatly folded stack of towels, a sparkling kitchen floor. It's so hard to see the meaning in the stillness.
Yet, I will say I'm enjoying lots of snuggles and laughter on the couch with August and our girls at times of the day when I would usually be distracted with other duties. And I suspect those times will be some of the most precious and lasting treasures of this experience.
I've had a chance recently to get to know someone who recently went through a nearly identical experience and has a beautiful, healthy, sweet bundle of love to show for it. I snagged this quote from her blog since I really needed to hear it:
“Real love is demanding. I would fail in my mission if I did not tell you so. Love demands a personal commitment to the will of God.” — John Paul II
And from my own reading today:
"Only take heed, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life......" Dt. 4:9
1 comment:
God is working to save us and he knows exactly what we need to purify our hearts so that He may dwell therein. I think that more often than not we get lost in the created world and the busy pace distracts us from our hearts. I spent a few weeks on bed rest toward the end of my pregnancy with Gregory and I can say that the experience of knowing my own limitations as well as my need for others and my total need for God changed the way that I live my active life now that I have strength.
It seems to me that the most important thing is to remember that we encounter Christ in the present moment. Nothing else exists (neither past nor future) and so often we are too busy to engage that precious moment. You now have that undistracted time and I pray that you find much grace as you lie there caring for that sweet gift of life and praying for the rest of your family.
Please keep us in those prayers as well.
Much love in Christ,
katherine
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