Brayden's Story

Has it really been a week since I went to bed very late Tuesday night (actually early Wednesday morning) and just as I was getting myself comfortable (a feat which was no small task) felt that familiar and fear-inducing warm gush. This gush was different though. It kept coming and coming. I remember thinking how all along I had feared hemorrhaging and this was finally it. I remember wondering if I would pass out due to blood loss before we got to the hospital. I was so, so scared.

August had just gotten in the shower moments before and couldn't hear me calling for him. I desperately did not want to stand up because I knew the gushing blood would cover my legs and the carpet, yet I had no choice. I made it to him as fast as I could and let him know it was happening.....again.

It was at that point that I finally looked down and, to my amazement, saw nothing on my legs and nothing on the carpet. My water had broken! And the fluid was clear (a very, very good sign for the health of the baby)! Of all the scenarios I had imagined, this was not one of them.

I also knew, at that moment, that this would be the night we would meet our baby. To say I was freaking out would be a ridiculous understatement. I began to tremble uncontrollably and would do so until we reached the hospital. It was all too much to take in - my water had broken, our baby was on his way, and I was headed for a c-section - that night! I remember August using a very soft, assuring voice in an attempt to calm me down. I wish I could say it worked.....

We arrived at the hospital about 1:30 a.m. and they began prepping me for surgery. It always feels like everything happens so slooooooowly in the hospital and so it seemed I had a loooong time to anticipate the needle they would use for my spinal anesthesia. I know that should have been the least of my worries but the thought of a needle in my back! They also drew my blood in expectation that I would need a transfusion in the OR.

By 3:30 a.m. I was flat on my back with August seated near my head, my legs and torso completely numb, feeling a bit loopy from the Morphine in my anesthesia, and with a blue drape concealing my view of anything lower than my chest level. I remember glancing at the clock then and it was 3:38 a.m. I had heard from August and others that my OB was really fast in the OR so I asked him his best guess for when the baby would be out. He predicted 3:55 a.m. - which would ironically be the time he would be closing me up aftewards.

I remember I could see, through the reflection of the OR lights above me, my OB prepping my belly. I chose not to watch much of the operation in those reflective lights. Instead I waited.........waited for the first hint of his little "voice". I knew if he came out crying, he was likely in good shape. But if he came out quietly, that would not be a good sign. And there it was. First a wimper....and then a good loud squak. They wiped him dry, bundled him with warm blankets, and handed him to me. And our tears just started flowing.

It was 3:46 and while our children and friends slept soundly, sweet Brayden had made his way into the world safely. Bedrest was over. The fear of hemmorhaging to death was over. (I remember saying to August later that day, "I'm so glad I didn't die today.") The fear of losing our baby was over. The goodness of it all was overwhelming. All I could think was, "Look what God has done!!" It was a new day and I couldn't wait to start heralding his arrival to anyone who would listen.

The remaining hours of that night are a little foggy to me. I remember feeling enveloped by peace as I rested in the recovery room. I remember August running back and forth with the camera from the Recovery Room to the Nursery. (Anticipating being separated from the baby for the first several hours, I had given August explicit instructions ahead of time that I wanted him to report EVERYTHING about the baby back to me.) And then I remember them bringing him to me. His blood sugar was alarmingly low and, rather than supplement with formula as a first route, they chose to let me try and nurse him. (A decision for which I'll remain forever grateful.) He nursed well and his blood sugar rose immediately, and was still rising even hours later. There was also fear of him being cold too. So we spent those first hours getting to know one another skin to skin - my body keeping his warm.

As dawn came, we started making calls. First to our girls who weren't surprised that Mom was in the hospital - again. They knew the routine now. Except this time, we had big news. It was such fun to hear the surprise and delight in their voices.

No, this wasn't a night any of us had expected......and there was great rejoicing.

36 Week Joy!

1. Thirty-six week joy is knowing that the baby could come anytime now and would likely be just fine.
2. Thirty-six week joy is having my family deceive me by telling me the reason I need to put on make-up and dress nicely today is because today is "picture day" - when we take the Easter shot that should have been taken last Sunday. (see belated Easter shot above)
   
3. Thirty-six week joy is having 13 of my dearest friends congregate in my garage preparing to overtake my family room - unbeknownst to me.
4. Thirty-six week joy is learning that my sweet family has known about this secret gathering for weeks and weeks and not whispered a peep.
   
5. Thirty-six week joy is having said friends take me by total surprise by parading into my house with gifts, treats, and hugs galore. (Good thing for "picture day" - see #2 above!!)
6. Thirty-six week joy is having my 13 year old daughter, who is becoming quite the young lady, in the same room with all of my other treasured friends.
   

"A cheerful heart is good medicine." Prov. 17:22

My house was full of cheerful hearts today and, boy, was it good medicine! Thank you, friends!

35 Weeks and Eyeing the Finish Line!!!

Here we are at 35 weeks!!!! I can hardly believe I've been on bedrest for 4 weeks. I remember how hard it was emotionally when we first started. It was too painful to look into the future - so many unknowns, so much depending on others to get us through this ordeal, so many fears and anxieties. I literally had to fight to keep my head in each day, taking them one at a time. Anything else was just too overwhelming.....and scary too. And yet, today, I'm beginning to catch glimpses of the finish line. It's coming into view - slowly but surely - and I'm full of joy and excitement. We (our family, our friends, our FAITHFUL GOD) have figured out how to make this work in spite of the challenges. I'll be forever grateful.

I think the fact that the end is near became more real to me yesterday when I called my OB to schedule the date of my c-section.

May 1st!!!!

It's not to say there still aren't unknowns. The truth is I still go to bed everynight wondering if I'll make it 'til morning without any complications. It's a little nervewracking at times. In fact, my current big prayer request is that I can stay out of the hospital this week. One thing is for certain though. Come May 2nd, I will no longer be a pregnant lady. For sometime between now and May 2nd, we will meet our little fella' face to face.. We will hold him and kiss him and begin to tell him the story of his Heavenly Father's lovingkindness and faithfulness to him over all of these hard weeks. I intend to tell him that story over and over for all of his life. This little boy has been prayed for for many, many years. That's a whole separate story in itself. But suffice it to say, I'm excited to watch his life unfold and be part of the adventure.

Many weeks ago, my friend Amy asked me to put a belly shot on here for her to see. I forgot about that request until recently. Here it is my friend. Now, this may appear to be a normal 35 week belly but I tell you, it's not. Apparently, it is soccer field, tennis court, swimming pool, and all around fun place to be - at least according to the activity level of this very strong-legged boy. He gets it naturally with his daddy, grandfather, and greatgrandfather all being tennis fanatics - some of them even nationally ranked so I really can't expect anything less. He has continued to be healthy and active throughout this entire ordeal. For that, I'm so thankful.

35 week belly shot!

Rejoice!

Jesus Christ is risen today! Allelulia!

We've made it to Easter.....in so many ways! Let there be GREAT rejoicing!

Couch Chronicles - Vol. 6 (Holy Week Photo Edition)

When you haven't the patience to hard boil eggs and Mom and Dad have neglected to pick up an Easter-Egg-Dyeing-Kit, you're forced to get creative and research the ancient art of egg-blowing. (The girls apparently found the syringe to be optional. All they really needed was a mouthful of hot air.)


I entered the kitchen at lunch-time to find this lovely basket of blown beauties. They made the dye with food coloring and vinegar, so I'm told.

(Yes, two are them are "piggy eggs" and a few others are embellished with one of our favorite color combinations, orange and blue - Go Hoos.)

Holy Week: Civil War Reconstruction or the Cross?

August and I made a decision earlier this week which has brought much joy to our children. One evening, during our family devotions, we read these words of Jesus from the Gospel of John.

"You always have the poor with you, but you do not always have me."

Hmmm.......that really got my attention. You see, not knowing when this baby may come or how many days I'll spend in the hospital between now and then, it has been my intent to cram in as much school as we can every day. And yet, here we find ourselves in Holy Week, anticipating the Resurrection, and not wanting to miss out on any bit of grace God has for us in it. I'm not implying that the two must be mutually exclusive, but for me, at this particular season, I know that they are. I don't believe our celebration of the Resurrection is meant to be one moment in time but rather an ongoing experience of worship and transformation. Therefore, going back to one of my favorite Laura Berquist quotes, "Formation is more important than information," we have put away the math, grammar, and history books for the week. We've decided, rather than watching Holy Week pass us by, we will actively engage in it, walking the road to the cross with Jesus. I suspect, not only will it be WAY more fun than Civil War Reconstruction, but it will also bear far more eternal fruit.

There is a wonderful centuries old observance called Stations of the Cross (also sometimes referred to as the "Way of the Cross"). The Stations are a series of 14 images representing events on Jesus's road from Pilate's house to the Cross. Interestingly, Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion of the Christ", out several years ago, was based on the Stations of the Cross. Since I am really only just becoming familiar with this ancient devotion, I went hunting online to understand it better. I found some really helpful articles here (The Stations of the Cross and Other Devotions to the Passion) and here (The Cross as a Journey: The Stations of the Cross for Protestant Worship) about this devotion. I had already been thinking the Stations would be a wonderful way to prepare our hearts for Easter when I received a box full of craft supplies from Jen at Wildflowers and Marbles to make mini-Stations for inside our home!

So Tuesday we covered our family room rug with newspapers and that space became craft central. (Can I just say how much out of my comfort zone having tacky glue in the family room places me!!) I stayed on my usual perch while the girls went to town gluing and creating. Smiles, giggles, and singing (with Meredith Andrews) abounded and I'm glad to report there were no glue catastrophes!

My camera battery was dying so I had no flash for most of these photos. They are also taken primarily from only one vantage point - MINE - since I don't move much. Also, I know we could have moved the laundry baskets out of the family room prior to taking the photos but instead we decided to keep it real for you. Come on along on our journey towards Easter!

Since every worthwhile project needs a Project Manager, Marina stepped up to the plate.












I was delighted to hear Eliza counting her popsicle sticks by 2's!









Oh, and once (just one time!) I moved to the other couch so I could also get pictures of Juliette. (No scolding in the comments box if you notice the different camera angle.)

One down, thirteen to go!

Project complete!

Tomorrow evening (Friday), once the sun goes down, we will turn off all the lights in the house and light all 14 votives. One by one, we'll read and meditate on these 14 events leading up to Jesus's death. After each scene, we will pray together and then extinguish that candle. Upon extinguishing the 14th candle, we will be in complete darkness, waiting in anticipation for the Light that is the Resurrected Jesus at Easter.

34 weeks and holding......at least for now

Sorry for this belated 34 week celebration post but, for reasons that I'll explain, I just didn't have it in me to get on here and write anything yesterday. Marina and August both did really great jobs at explaining the scenario of the past two days. It started off as pretty much a repeat of the first time - awake at 4:30 a.m. to a pool of blood, rush to the hospital, baby looks fine and then here's where the two stories begin to differ. This time my contractions just would not stop so I ended up on IV Magnesium Sulfate for 24 hours (although I'll tell you it felt like 24 days). I'll forever refer to that stuff as "Influenza-in-a-bag" because that's really how it makes you feel - like you have the flu. Just imagine the worst you've ever felt - uncomfortable, restless, nauseated, clammy, weak, lethargic - and you can relate to my experience. (I didn't even want my laptop from home. Those of you who know me well understand how bad I felt!)

I'm happy to say I'm at home now - SO happy to say I'm at home. The contractions have stopped. I feel good (that's a relative term but compared to yesterday I feel good). August says it's great to have me back. (He said that on the phone on his way to pick me up at the hospital so I'm sure it had something to do with me acting and looking like death warmed over yesterday.)

The docs seem confidant that if the baby were to come now, he would probably do fine. Especially since I got steroid injections to speed up the development of his lungs during my first hospitalization. That's reassuring to know. Still, I know he couldn't be in any better place right now so I'm doing my best to comply even more to the doctor's order to stay still. I had a lot of contractions on Friday and Saturday and they think that's why this happened. I'll admit I probably had gotten a bit overly confidant, as my "bathroom trips" were straying farther and farther off the beaten path.

Here are a few respite ruminations I'll share:

• For our next baby (excuse me for a moment while I go pick August up off the floor) I want to deliver here. (You'll need to scroll down to see the beautiful birthing rooms.)
• You may have noticed in the left sidebar, that I added our virtue for April - charity. Initially the intent was that we would work on loving each other and the people around us better. What better virtue for this, the month of our Lord's Resurrection?! (We've done some neat activities in that vain that I'll try to share about soon.) However, already, I'm discovering it's also about learning to receive love as well. We have been on the receiving end BIG TIME recently. Just now, two care packages and a Whole Foods gift card, meant to be used for our Easter celebration, arrived in the mail. We're all overwhelmed. Also, at this moment, my two biggest girls are at their piano lessons, transported to and fro each week by a faithful friend. Another friend is bringing dinner tonight while another has offered to shop for me. I could really go on and on and on. Just know that my heart is overflowing and I will be forever grateful.
  
• This next thought is a note I wish I'd had the energy to write yesterday....although it's probably better that I didn't! Dear Ms. Nursing Instructor, Being a nurse myself, and therefore understanding the value of the hands-on experience a student receives when caring for patients, I can appreciate that you probably thought mine was an interesting and unusual case from which your student could gain great experience. Your student seemed eager and ready to learn. In fact, I'm sure Ed was a very nice guy. He was quite friendly as he sauntered into my room and began explaining to me about the various clinical uses of Magnesium Sulfate in the pregnant woman. But the fact is, I'd had all the "surprises" I could take for one day and would have appreciated your checking with me first before sending Ed into my room as I lay there in only my hospital gown. Sincerely yours, A Very Stressed Out and Highly Medicated Pregnant Woman
• My friends are great cooks. My arsenal of yummy recipes always grows during times such as this.
• Why is it when I decide each spring and fall to tackle the change over/pass down of seasonal clothes with the girls it takes us weeks to finally complete. Yet, when their Daddy does it, it takes 2 hours?!
  
• Just when I think I finally understand what it means to surrender all to God, He sends me yet another lesson. I always assumed if I bled again, the baby would be delivered. This last scenario wasn't one I had ever even considered. I had planned all the various possibilities out in my mind and Magnesium Sulfate was in none of them. Frankly, I much prefer it that way!
• We are now in Holy Week - the last precious days leading up to Easter. I've been pondering what it looks like to celebrate Easter from the couch. Our family has certain special traditions that we like to observe during this holy time of year. But most of those aren't conducive to couch sitting. We've received some ideas and treats from some very thoughtful and faith-filled folks from afar. So although this will be a very different Holy Week and Easter, I'm confidant it has the makings for some very, very special memories. In fact, there's something seemingly very sacred about celebrating new life as a new little life grows within me.
  

Couch Chronicles - Vol. 5

Has Rachel Ray moved into my house?

Before lunch yesterday:

Rachel-Ray-wannabe: "Greek salad is one of my FAVORITE salads. You can either wash your lettuce beforehand or place it in the spinner and rinse it there. Then you'll want to add some baby carrots (etc., etc., etc.)......"

{long quiet pause}

A member of her "studio audience": "Why aren't you talking?"

Rachel-Ray-wannabe: "It's a commercial break."

I know it may sound like we've been watching way too much Food Network but we really haven't. Really! Someone just has a very vivid imagination and some lofty culinary dreams.

33 WEEKS!!

One more week down and 5 to go! Each week feels like such a victory!

More respite reflections (not necessarily in order of importance):

• When you're on the couch, and you have leanings toward introversion, and there's literally nowhere to find solitude except the bathroom (and even those trips are limited) and you've got a crew of "care-takers", some of whom are extroverts in need of lots of physical touch and some of whom are at stages of life where they are needing lots of re-assurance, it can be very, very draining. When this stint on the couch began, I shortsightedly thought that the focus of our family would shift to my needs. That has definitely been true on a physical level as there are many things I just can't do. But emotionally and spiritually, the opposite has happened. Maybe it's because there are fewer distractions preventing me from being in tune to my children or maybe their needs are greater these days or maybe both. Regardless, I sense their needs more strongly than ever and I'm so thankful for that - thankful for rich conversations with time to linger, thankful for tight hugs that seem to go on forever, thankful that I'm always available because there's nowhere else for me to go, and thankful for the opportunity to surrender my need for solitude. It's uncomfortable at times, even downright frustrating, but I see the fruit of it in my own heart and in our family. (Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if ti dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.--Jn 12:24, 25) God knows my needs and theirs. And when those needs seem to conflict, He is generous with His grace as He cares for us all.
• I now feel a kinship with all the little old ladies in the world who get gussied up just to go to their doctors appointment because it will be their biggest outing of the week!
  
• Humor is such good medicine. And thanks to some clownish kids and some comedian friends, I've enjoyed a lot of it recently. A good belly laugh can be such a balm to the spirit - and believe me, I've got the belly for it these days!!
  
• Our goal has been to get to thirty five weeks with this pregnancy. None of the docs suggested that time frame but it just seemed a good safe point in the pregnancy at which we could begin to breathe a little more easily. Not that I'll do anything differently at that point, but I will feel less of a sense of danger for this little guy. Baby's lungs should be nicely developed by then and he will also be a good 5-6 pounds. I realized last night that I turn 35 weeks on Easter Sunday. Easter Sunday is the goal. The Resurrected Lord is our goal. I'm learning that so much of this trial is as much (if not more) about the journey than the destination. While getting to 35 weeks will be cause for great celebration, experiencing Jesus along the way in each moment and accepting all that He has for me in this will be the greater prize.
  
• Netflix is a true sanity saver!!!
• I still have the best husband EVER.
  

Couch Chronicles - Vol. 4

Snippets from Breakfast
(Breakfast occurs in two shifts around here since the olders are always up earlier than the youngers.)

During shift 1:

"Mom, my eyes hurt."

me: "Does your head hurt, too?"

"Well, my eyes are in my head."

I can always count on this particular very concrete child to state the obvious.

During shift 2:

"It's OK if I call you weird, right?"

"Yea."

It's a good sign that we're headed for a happy day when these two wake up feeling so amenable.

WOW! Lab Results are in!!!

31!!!!!

That's my Hematocrit after a week and a half of triple doses of iron, spinach, molasses and lots of prayer! I am just giddy. Who would ever have thought that lab results could bring such joy??!! (People, I lost sleep over this last night. I really did!) This number means that if I were to have another "event" today, although there would definitely be risk involved, I would not be in immediate danger. It means I have some reserves whereas before, I had none. Oh-thank you, thank you, thank you, Lord, for this encouraging number and for your continued protection!!!

Big Day Out

Today, I had an appointment for a follow-up ultrasound and then later, an appointment with my OB. The ultrasound confirmed, as we expected, that my placenta hasn't budged from it's low position. The chances are slim to none that it will migrate. That pretty much clinched the deal on my requiring a c-section. We expected it would and that's really OK. Something about a c-section feels safe and controlled at this point. And those a very precious things to me right now.

The area where the bleed occurred appears to have sealed off well meaning that "event" (as the docs like to call it) is over. Now, we just have to prevent any futures "events". This basically means I'm back to the couch indefinitely with permission to get up for meals (no more coffee table dining!) and bathroom trips. August can also take me on an occasional drive which I was so glad to hear!

It was a little disconcerting today when August and the high-risk OB doc who did my ultrasound were chatting about how low my Hematocrit had gotten in the hospital. Questions like "Did they transfuse you?" and "How far do you live from the hospital?" just aren't very assuring! He sounded a little more upbeat when I told him I'm on iron supplements three times a day.

Speaking of my Hematocrit, I had bloodwork drawn today too. We'll know the results of that tomorrow. I'm really hoping for a high 20's number, thirty would be even better!

Even though it's rainy and dreary here, the day appeared glorious to me with spring blooms everywhere. To my delight, the ultrasound appointment was all the way on the opposite side of town so I had miles of opportunity to take in every Redbud, Bradford Pear, Cherry, and Forsythia bloom on the way.

The chance to see our sweet, healthy, and now chubby boy again was priceless. He's clearly gained some meat on his bones. He has lots of hair and eye lashes too! He seems to suck on anything within reach. And the girls say he has his dad's nose. I have to admit I see the resemblance too, don't you?


I know this isn't the most flattering picture I could have posted of August but it exemplifies well his life of the past few weeks. He runs all day, serving all of us so faithfully and tirelessly. Then he collapses on the couch where he's asleep in seconds. He was actually supposed to return to see his surgeon today but my appointments trumped his. Instead, he will follow-up on the phone later this week and hopefully be out of his collar soon.
I'll check in tomorrow with what will hopefully be an impressive lab report!!

Couch Chronicles - Vol. 3

What NOT to say to a woman who is confined to a couch all day:

"Mom, what can I do, I'm soooooooooooo bored."
(She says after trotting in from the balmy spring weather.)

So sorry to hear that your afternoon has been so rough, my dear.

32 WEEKS!!

You can bet we're celebrating around here. Our little guy has stayed tucked in one more week and continues to grow and swim happily! Woo Hoo! Just 6 (six?!) more weeks to go!!

A few respite reflections from the past week:

• When your confined to one spot, surrounded by your most essential things, and experiencing periods of solitude throughout the day, the people in your world become all the more precious. When they walk into the room, you put aside what you're doing and engage with them- not because you know you should but because they really are more important than your agenda. In fact, they have become your agenda and you're aware of how much you need them. From the time our girls were little, we've always told them people are more important than things. What was a family motto has become more of a heart reality for me. We need each other. We really do. We need to connect with our eyes, with our hearts, and with our touch. When other things are stripped away, the magnitude of our need for one another becomes starkly clear.
• I desperately need my friends' encouragement and help. I don't like to admit this because it's much more comfortable for me to be self-sufficient and in control. I don't like to ask for help and I don't like to be a burden. (That's my pride speaking in case it's not glaringly obvious!) Yet my friends are right there driving my kids to and fro, doing my shopping, feeding my family, being voices of hope, and praying incessantly. I couldn't "do" this without them.
• I used to pooh-pooh virtual friendships. And while I believe friendship is meant to thrive primarily in our tangible, local circles, God is showing me that there is much wisdom, encouragement, and care to be found in virtual relationships. For that, I'm very grateful.
• I miss Mass terribly. I have my bible, other wonderful reading and music at my disposal but it's not the Mass and I feel the void. Oh, how I look forward to being there again in that sacred place.
  
• My girls are GOLD. I always knew they were pretty special but I'm seeing them rise to the occasion in ways that I never would have expected. They can whip of the clutter in the kitchen faster than me now. They are growing in servanthood - recognizing needs and moving to meet them, often without being prompted.
  
• If my girls are gold, then my man is PLATINUM. I can't even put into words how much my admiration for August has grown. His faith-filled response to the increased burdens and needs on him leaves me in awe. And as he serves us faithfully and cheerfully, despite his own fatigue (I've never seen anyone fall asleep so fast - anywhere, anytime!), he is constantly encouraging me to keep my eyes on heaven throughout this ordeal.
  

"Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.." Eph. 5:25

That's my man.

Couch Chronicles - Vol. 2

Domesticity as Seen Through the Scientific Mind

Yesterday, the older girls were mixing some bread. Here's what I overheard from the couch as they were measuring the yeast:

"This is a single-celled bacteria. It's a decomposer. It's a fungi, actually. I don't like touching yeast because I know it's a single-celled fungi."

Um..........OK

Resigning Myself to Our New Reality

I called my OB office this morning to ask if he would consider decreasing my Terbutaline (anti-contraction medication) dose. I'm contracting only occasionally and never anything regular and the stuff causes me to keep a headache most of the time.

My midwife called back with his answer. Yes, I can cut the dose in half.

I also took the opportunity to ask her if I should expect to be parked here for the remainder of the pregnancy. (I had been optimistic that when he sees me next week, he might be SO impressed with my "progress" that he might allow a little more activity. )

Her answer - "Yep."

{big heavy sigh}

Oh well, at least our couch is by a window.......and they're plenty of signs of spring to enjoy albeit from a distance.

"When we rise to respond to God's love, the obstacles disappear; on the other hand, without love even the tiniest difficulty seems insuperable. If there is union with the Lord, everything becomes tolerable. 'While all sorts of setbacks are encountered as difficult by those who do not love; those who do love, on the contrary, find them trivial and easily manageable. There is no suffering, however cruel or violent it may be, which is not made bearable or even reduced to nothing by love.' (Saint Augustine)"
--Francis Fernandez, In Conversation with God, Vol. 2

Couch Chronicles - Vol. 1

I only see the kitchen during my few yet cherished bathroom trips from the couch to the bathroom throughout the day. I'm still always fearfully aware of the probable state of it. Imagine my joy when I heard this today:

older sister: "How about we play 'How-Fast-Can-You-Clean-Up-the-Kitchen'? Go!"

younger sister: "Why are we doing this? Mom says so?"

older sister: "Mom says so and I say so." (I chuckled at this because I really hadn't "said so".)

Wrestling in the Waiting

Since coming home Monday morning, I have tried many times without success to put some type of update on here. The short of it is the baby continues to be happily tucked in where he belongs - swimming, flipping, and kicking at all hours of the day. The long of it is that I was unprepared for the emotional challenge that would come with being confined to the couch or bed 24/7.

As I sit on the couch, very still (and yet wrestling with God because I don't like my circumstances at all), watching the world continue on around me, I am keenly aware of the ways I had grown accustomed to measuring myself and my successes prior to being placed on bed rest. In fact, I'm painfully aware of them because they aren't happening now. Before last Friday, I measured the success of our day (and my management of our home and children) by the sum of our accomplishments. Did we start our homeschool studies by such-and-such a time? Did everyone do their chores cheerfully? Was the kitchen (somewhat) tidy when August walked in each evening? There was also a spiritual component to our day that was valuable to all of us as well - set times for family prayer and bible readings, treating one another with respect and care. But if I'm really honest, it's the sum of accomplishments at the end of the day that gave me peace. And that's a really, really hard realization to accept when my ability to accomplish anything at all is now limited to those things within arm's reach.

I've watched elderly people in my life struggle to find meaning due to their physical limitations and perceived inability to contribute tangibly to the "family team". Now I understand this struggle first-hand. I understand that, so often, we think the depth and value of our relationships is based on what we do for each other, rather than who we are for each other. I'm beginning to see that that's a lie. It just takes a while for truth to travel from my thick head and become firmly rooted in my heart.

I was reminded yesterday that I have plenty of time to pray and how that's no accident. I know those words are true. And I'm also convinced there's no more powerful use of my time but the human side of me still looks for something tangible to show for my efforts - a neatly folded stack of towels, a sparkling kitchen floor. It's so hard to see the meaning in the stillness.

Yet, I will say I'm enjoying lots of snuggles and laughter on the couch with August and our girls at times of the day when I would usually be distracted with other duties. And I suspect those times will be some of the most precious and lasting treasures of this experience.

I've had a chance recently to get to know someone who recently went through a nearly identical experience and has a beautiful, healthy, sweet bundle of love to show for it. I snagged this quote from her blog since I really needed to hear it:

“Real love is demanding. I would fail in my mission if I did not tell you so. Love demands a personal commitment to the will of God.” — John Paul II

And from my own reading today:

"Only take heed, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life......" Dt. 4:9

Going Home!!

After a quiet night and some stable lab results this morning, I'm going home! Home to my girls, home to bedrest on my comfortable couch, home to spinach, and blackstrap molasses, and beets. Home!

Your Turn to Weigh In

I've gotten a couple of great suggestions for iron-rich foods/supplements in the comments box and also by email. I'd like to hear more! When I told August where my Hematocrit was this morning and where my doc wanted it to be, his reply was, "Oh, that's quite a jump."

SO.............help me out here by sharing ANY ideas you have for ways to boost my iron. Otherwise, I'll be eating burgers and collard greens for weeks!