Countdown to The End.......Or Rather the Beginning

(This post was written 3 days before Brayden's birth but never published. The content is even more true now.)

In the past week, I've had two different conversations with folks who assumed we would "be done" having children after this one. The conversations included questions like this:

"You're not planning to have any more, right?"

or

"At least you know, since I'm sure you're not going to have any more, that you'll never have to go through something like this again, right?"

I really understand where they are coming from. Really I do. I'm 41 years old and about to have my fifth baby. August is older still (shhhhh......he really doesn't look it). Why would we add more to an already "oversized" family? Furthermore, we homeschool and we care for August's widowed mother who lives with us. Our plates are full enough, we're told.

But I guess my question is......who decides the size of the plate?

Seven years ago, I thought we did. Eliza had surprised us and we were stunned......and done! I couldn't imagine "handling" any more....and this was even after much prayer. But God had some things to say to me, to us. And this "conversation" between us and Our Lord would last years.

Soon after Eliza's birth, I read an article entitled The Baby IS The Lesson. (I'd encourage you to click over and read it......or if you don't have time now, come back later and give it a read. You don't have to have a newborn in the house to glean something useful from it.) Upon reading that article, I became the student, and Eliza (or God through Eliza) the teacher. Recesses of my heart, that I didn't even know existed, were opened. I was challenged to rethink my priorities and those things I thought I should be teaching/modeling to my children. I was challenged to reconsider how much importance I assigned to my own agenda for each day or even for my life. I was challenged to rethink my definitions of success and accomplishment. We (August and I) were challenged to rethink the value we place on our children and also our openness (or lack thereof) to new life in our family.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." John 12:24-25

I was, up until that point, a happy and contented grain of wheat. So much so, that my decisions were calculated in a way that would hopefully avoid any need for death to myself. I wasn't a horrible mother but I wanted to serve God in ways that I got to decide. I had plans and projects - good and noble - yet many of them distracted me from my family. And although I was glad to work my children in around those things, I did not understand that my children WERE the agenda. How much better would my children understand the sacrifice of Jesus for them on the cross if they were to see their own mother living sacrificially.

"Behold, sons are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the son's of one's youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them!" Psalm 127:3-5

I'd love to do a word study on the word "happy" in the above verse. I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean a life without trials or pain but I'll bet it has a lot to do with fulfillment, lasting meaning, and joy. As I witnessed this "happiness" in families around us, I began to long for it and I noticed that the more I put aside my own plans and embraced what God had for me, the more peace and joy I experienced. Over time, it became clear that in our family, embracing what God had for us meant being open to more children - regardless of our ages, regardless of the size of our family already, regardless of not being understood (and possibly even being judged or mocked) by much of the world.

This baby that we'll all meet within the next two weeks is a culmination and a beginning. He is the culmination of many, many years of struggling, wrestling, and longing. He is an answer to 7 years (down to the month) of prayer. (Incidentally, the number 7 in the bible refers to fullness, completeness, or perfection.) He is evidence of changed hearts; and he is a sign of God's undeserved faithfulness and mercy. While I'd like to think this mama is more dead to herself than ever before, I'm sure I've still lots to learn. And I'm so glad the Lord has sent this little man to help me continue on in those lessons.

So maybe my plate is full now and maybe it's not. The truth is, I don't know the size of the plate, but I know the One who does and I'm keeping my eyes on Him.